i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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