Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
