there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
