you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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