Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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