he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
