someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
