So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
