I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
