As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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