Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You've changed since you got that strap on
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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