I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
