shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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