Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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