I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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