you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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