I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
