My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
