Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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