highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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