I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he thought i was a dude.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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