Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
