I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
