I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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