I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
