wanna go halves on a baby?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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