how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
