I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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