dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
