Your tits are I can't wait for
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
