If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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