My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
