I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
