I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
