Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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