i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Randomize
