i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
