so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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