Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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