Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
