My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
