you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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