In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
