Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
