the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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