i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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