is your mom at the bar?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
