My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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