Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
