What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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